Words cannot describe how rough 2020 has been for everyone. The world, as a collective, hit a hard RESTART. When I graduated and started working as a Financial Analyst, I vividly remember analysts and economists predicting a recession by 2020 and my supervisor asking me to constantly watch currency fluctuations so we could catch said recession early. Everyday I asked around and tried googling what could cause our recession and how we can play defense against it. Little did we know, this recession was a pandemic is disguise. When the show, Explained on Netflix, asked when will the next Pandemic hit and if we’ll be prepared, they were low key warning us.
I vividly remember the days leading up to Vermont completely quarantining: we ended February with two cases in the state. But, the second case was from a man in his 50’s who went to the gym on a Wednesday. Once that gym was forced to shut down, we started hearing odd stories. For example, a town in Westchester, New York was put on quarantine by the National Guard. According to my co-worker’s friend who lives in the county [should say like lives in country Vermont], no one was allowed in or out of the state and food was provided via truck. Sounds a lot like some apocalyptic shit from season one of Fear the Walking Dead. March 12th is when shit got real though! I went to work that Thursday morning (as I did any other regular smegular day) and one after another, corporate businesses were telling their employees to leave immediately and work from home until further notice. At my office, we were all wondering if and when we’d be sent home. I said out loud, “They’ll send us home if Dealer.com sends their employees home. That’s when we’ll know how serious this is.” Then BOOM like clockwork, my supervisor gets a notification that Dealer.com sent their employees home and then, literally, ten minutes later at 11 am, we received an email from HR telling us to leave immediately and to work from home indefinitely.
My first thought was to call my family back in Philadelphia, especially my grandmother, and my brother at the University of Pittsburgh. My last thought was about a potential recession cause by this pandemic. What would I do if I lost my job? How would I pay for; my wisdom teeth surgery, my breast exams, my doctor visits, my student loans, my credit card bills? If my grandmother were to lose her job (she’s an essential worker btw) how would could I support her? Would I have to move back to Philly? How would I get to Philly? I just signed a lease, how I will I pay my rent? Writing this still brings me to tears because I was so overwhelmed, so anxious, so confused and so scared.
But the gag is, God’s got me. That’s it! It’s always been God for me! When I’m anxious, God calms my nerves. When I’m stressed, God clears my mind so I can think through the pterodactyls flying in my stomach. When I’m overwhelmed, God lightens me. And when I’m scared, God reassures me. I knew that, to get through this pandemic, I needed to first, trust God, and second, stay busy. So, I ran to the nearest Barnes and Noble and brought a GMAT test prep book, because jobs come and go, but my education will never leave. I worked from 8 am to 5 pm with Netflix playing in the background. At 12 pm, my lunch break, I’d practice yoga via Zoom or YouTube. Then, from 6 pm to 7 pm, I worked out ENDLESSLY using laundry detergent as kettle bells and a 24-pack of toilet paper as a medicine ball. Then from 7:45 pm to 9 pm I’d study for the GMAT exam I’ve yet to schedule. Saturdays were my rest days and Sunday’s were my virtual church days. This routine was THE BOMB DOT COM for me! I kept this routine for two months…. and then I got sick.
Now, I ain’t have the Rona (thank you God!) but I did have a nasty sinus infection that knocked me on my ass for nine straight days. It started with intense headaches for two weeks straight and then I caught a fever. From Saturday to Tuesday I had a fever that wouldn’t give up. What I thought was the worst day (Tuesday) wasn’t even the climax of my sickness. My fever disappeared by Wednesday morning (the day I was getting tested for COVID-19) and was replaced with this shakiness in my body. Basically, my balance was off. I felt like I was on a boat during a hurricane. That’s when I realized my equilibrium was off aka I had an ear infection. I couldn’t sleep for three days unless there was loud music playing in the background, or a pillow tied around my head. By Friday my medication finally kicked in and I was able to sleep, sit-up and shower by myself. By Saturday I could officially stand up, walk downstairs and walk outside without feeling dizzy. I felt like a new human! By Sunday I could walk to the grocery store, shop for food AND CARRY MY GROCERIES BACK HOME! Won’t he do it!
Two weeks later in June, Lamonte and I moved in to our first apartment together! A cute little one bedroom apartment with a large kitchen, a blue porch overlooking a beautiful tree with a birds nest and a side wall lined with ivy leaves. It was in this moment, as Spring turned in to Summer, that I saw the hidden blessing this pandemic gave us. The blessing of waking up 2 minutes before work, cooking myself breakfast every morning, working outside on my porch while surrounded by my plants, the ability to take a nap during lunch breaks and constantly renovating and decorating my home. Then I realized how blessed I was to live in such a “progressive” state lol. Vermont did great with COVID this summer by allowing; small businesses to operate, restaurants to serve people outside and nail salons to open with limited capacity requirements. Then the ugly happened, resulting in Black Lives Matter protests in every major city across the US and other countries. Riots began to break out, and the brutality never stopped. Lamonte couldn’t sleep for a while after learning about Breonna Taylor. He would wake up in the middle of the night to make sure our windows and front door was locked. My father created a group chat that included 24-members of my family to keep us all in contact. He’s a Sergeant on the Philadelphia Police Department and was placed on the front line during these protests and riots. Literally, just doing his job for a system that is systemically against him. The neighborhood I grew up in, Overbrook Park, was hit hard. The local ShopRite was looted and destroyed for 15-hours straight. Local gas stations were shut down and the pharmacies were destroyed. Do you understand how conflicting it feels when you agree with the protests AND the riots. I agree with the riots because no one is listening to us, but I am also angry that the destruction is happening in our neighborhood v. theirs. Do you understand how saddening it is when your grandmother tells you she can’t get her medicine because the pharmacy was looted. Or that she needs food and water and you can’t do ANYTHING because you live 300-miles north from her. Do you know how shitty it feels when you’re in line at a grocery store that was not looted, in a city where riots did not occur, and your grandmother calls and tells you this? Can you imagine how that feels?
The craziest part was talking to co-workers about how I felt. Talking to people who only see the surface of things because they’re white. They’d check-in with me and talk about injustices and police brutality while forgetting that my father is a black officer and my family lives in the heart of the Philadelphia. They’d watch videos of the National Guard being complete dicks in Minneapolis and harassing residents for sitting outside on their porches or officers driving in unmarked cars in New York to grab protesters and drive off while forgetting that Trump threatened to send the National Guard to Philadelphia. Do you know how it feels to have the people around you tip-toe over your reality? It sucks. It completely and utterly sucks that we’ve gotten to this point. It sucks that I couldn’t enjoy moving in to my first apartment. It sucks that I’m not allowed the privilege of peace because some asshole is power-hungry. I am met with oppression and racism before I can breathe. I CAN’T BREATHE BECAUSE THIS SYSTEM DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO! It sucks that my dad is brainwashed into believing that his skin is blue, not black and chooses neutrality over humanity. It sucks that I couldn’t go home to help my grandmother who needed water, medication and groceries. IT FUCKING SUCKS!
Honestly, I’m not okay… Some days I want to yell at the top of my lungs. Some days I want to move back to Morocco. Shit, some days I wonder if my life was better when I was in in Shanghai (blog post for another day). At the moment, my only outlet is writing about how I feel. Talking about my feelings does nothing but tire me out. Social media doesn’t help either. I think it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay and express that however you need to. We’re officially eight months deep in this pandemic and a second wave is bound to come as winter gets closer. This year has been hectic for us all. But it’s important for me to ask; how are you?
Traveling While Black 